Category Archives: Sexy & Savvy

Sexy & Savvy: 3 Tips for Dealing with a Long Distance Relationship

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Contributed by Rebecca Smith, M.A., L.C.P.C., C.S.A.T.

Committing to a long distance relationship in college is like being single, going through a break-up, and having a relationship all at the same time. It’s a crazy experience, for sure.

Some people will tell you that you’re lucky to at least have someone in your life, but there are many days when you actually feel unlucky. You might feel sad or jealous when you see happy couples spending time together. You might also feel that you have a lot of time to yourself because the one you love isn’t there with you. But just remember – you have someone who loves you and wants to be with you in spite of the distance.

Reuniting and then being apart again is heartbreaking. The weeks that lead up to seeing the other person are exciting, yet very frustrating. You just want the reunion to be here already! Then, the time you spend together seems like a dream and flies by way too fast. After your significant other leaves, your friends expect you to be happy since you just saw the person you love…but you feel sadder than ever after having to say goodbye again.

How can you deal with a long distance relationship’s exhaustive roller coaster of emotions? Here are three helpful tips for college students from Rebecca Smith, a counselor at Aurora University’s Counseling Center:

Use Technology – This Is the 21st Century, After All

Technology has come a long way. Back in the day (like waaaay back), couples had to communicate by writing letters and sending them in the mail (what’s that?). Come to think of it, that’s probably why a lot of people married cousins who lived next door. Today, you can meet someone online who lives across the country. As a result of this availability of potentials, many people date long distance.

Skype, a software application that allows users to make voice and video calls and chats over the Internet, is a fun way to connect with your significant other. Many people also send daily or weekly emails, or chat through services like Google’s Gchat or Facebook. This is particularly useful for those that have significant others in the military overseas or who have major time zone differences.

Sometimes the Internet isn’t always reliable, though, so pick up that cell phone and give each other a call at the very least.

Spend Time with Close Friends

Being apart from someone you love hurts and time can seem to slow down – not fun! Your friends will try to understand and support you, though no one truly knows how painful it is until they’re dealing with it. Nevertheless, you need your friends now more than ever. It may be hard at times for you to relate to them or for them to relate to you, but remember that everyone is trying their best to be there for you.

Pick a Date

One of the hardest parts of a long-distance relationship is figuring out how to actually be together. For some couples, it’s only a matter of time. For example, if your partner’s in the military, you’ll be reunited when he or she returns. For other couples, it’s more complicated. There are logistics to figure out, like which one of you might be willing to move to be closer to the other person. That decision involves many sacrifices, and can be really hard on a relationship. It’s difficult to strike a compromise sometimes.

Regardless, it’s a good idea to pick a date for the next time you’ll see each other face-to-face. This will get rid of some of the uncertainty of when you’ll see them next, and it will give you something to look forward to.

Dealing with Distance Is Hard

Sometimes it will be easy to be positive. Other days, the sadness will just take over, no matter how hard you try to be upbeat. The situation isn’t ideal, but there are others out there who do know how you feel. Many couples survive this period of their relationship, and you will too. Do what you can to process your emotions in positive ways and don’t be too hard on yourself when you feel depressed.

At the end of the day, the struggle is worth it. As they say, “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” The distance may pose challenges, but it can also make your relationship stronger.

Sexy & Savvy: Summer fling

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Contributed by Rebecca Smith, MA, LCPC, CSAT

Summer can be known for casual hookups. The warmer weather pulls you outside and gives you more opportunities to meet people. Instead of staying in on a Friday night to watch a movie, you might decide to go out with friends because you can’t stand to stay inside when it’s so nice out.

I also have a lot of students tell me that they stay in touch with high-school friends on Facebook and tend to hook up with them while they’re home for the summer. Other students tell me they tend to meet new people at their summer job. Sometimes meeting up with old friends or meeting new ones leads to a summer fling.

But what happens when you realize that you’ll be leaving to go back to college in a few weeks? Summer seems to fly by! In May it seems like August is so far away. Then all of a sudden Fourth of July is over. August is now looming before you. You’ve met this great person while you’ve been at home for the summer, but now you aren’t sure if it’s just a summer fling or something more. How should you bring this up, or should you bring it up at all?Couple sitting on the beach with arms around each other

Keeping the relationship “undefined”

One thing that’s very common with college students these days is not wanting to define the relationship. Lots of students tell me they want to keep things casual and not complicate the relationship by putting a label on it. However, leaving to go back to school is a complication that will eventually define what it is you’re doing with this person, whether you like it or not. Even if you don’t discuss it, in August there will be a fork in the road.

Up until now it’s been all fun and games. You’re living in the moment. Time has a way of speeding up just when you’d like it to slow down.

Just having fun

For some people this decision will be easy. They just wanted to have some fun, and both people are okay with saying good bye once summer is over. Others will find they fell harder than they expected. If this happens to both parties it can be a great thing. The natural course of things takes place, and your relationship becomes deeper and more meaningful. You both decide to keep things going in a long-distance relationship when you go back to school.

Getting serious

Then there are the students who get caught up in a summer fling and actually fall in love with someone who doesn’t fall in love with them. This is the ultimate fork in the road you were trying to avoid.

You meant to keep it simple, but your heart took a detour. You don’t want to, but you can’t keep from wanting more with this person. This is when it gets complicated. It’s a fact of life that we don’t always get to choose whom we fall in love with. Sometimes it’s with the wrong person, and sometimes it’s just the wrong time. Even though you try not to say anything to ruin the casual fun you’ve been having, the end of the summer is drawing near. This usually pushes people to ask for things they know in their head they can’t have, but their heart pushes them to try anyway.

It’s complicated

So you finally get the courage to bring up the possibility of staying in touch. They hopefully will be completely honest and tell you they are moving on now that summer is over if they truly don’t have feelings for you. It sucks, but at least you know where you stand.

Sometimes, however, they aren’t so honest. They agree to stay in touch, but you find after you leave that it’s always you who has to initiate a text or phone call. This can drag things out for weeks or months after you’ve gone back to school. I won’t lie and say it’ll be easy to go through this, but at some point you’ll realize the summer romance is really over. You’ll be sad, and maybe you’ll have some regrets over decisions you made.

Learn from your mistakes

I try to encourage students not to regret the past but to learn from it. If you did things you regret, then make a vow to yourself to do things differently in the future. If you feel you made a horrible mistake, sometimes it helps to talk about it and give others a chance to learn from it. If your only regret is that you fell in love with the wrong person, then don’t feel too bad. It happens to the best of us at some point.

I hope that later in the school year you’ll be able to look back on this summer and remember it with a smile rather than a tear. I think it’s great that you took a risk. Sometimes it pays off and sometimes it doesn’t. We don’t always know how things are going to work out, but that doesn’t mean we should be scared to put ourselves out there. Sometimes you lose in love, and hopefully this school year or next summer will work out better for you.

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Sexy & Savvy: Safer sexting

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Contributed by Rebecca Smith, M.A., L.C.P.C., C.S.A.T.

You’ve heard of safer sex, but what is safer sexting? It’s being smart with your phone while sending sexual texts or pictures to others.

Sexting results from advances in technology enabling new forms of social interaction. Messages with sexual content historically have been exchanged over all forms of media. Newer technology like smart phones and iPads allow the transmission of photographs and videos, which are intrinsically more explicit and have greater impact. Sexting can socially dangerous specifically because material that’s sent through these newer technologies can be very easily and widely propagated, with the originator having no control. Read more about the history of sexting here.

Proceed with extreme cautionCell phone receiving a "sext"

I’ve heard many students talk about receiving or sending a naked picture from/to someone they knew. It seems to be very common these days. Social media and texting make it easier to say things that normally may be too risky to say out loud to someone standing right next to you. Students admit to being a lot bolder with what they type than what they’d actually say to someone they just met. Some students only use sexting with semi-strangers — in other words, people across the country whom they’ll never meet but whom they chat with online. They may feel safer sending explicit messages or pictures to someone who doesn’t know them and who wouldn’t be able to send it around their university or community. Just remember, it’s a small world: I’m always amazed at who knows who, no matter where they’re from. As stated above, once you send the picture off to someone, you lose complete control. You never know how long that person will keep the picture on their phone or what they’ll do with it once they get it in their possession.

Spice up your relationship?

Other people tell me that they only send sexually explicit messages to their boyfriend or girlfriend — in other words, to someone they trust. This may seem like a good way to spice up your relationship, but be aware that people do fight and break up. If you’ve sent messages or pictures to someone who now wants to get back at you for something, you could be in trouble. A lot of students also admit to being in a committed relationship with someone and sexting someone else. You can cheat with technology very easily. Even if the person lives across the world, if you do this behind your boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s back it’s considered cheating. If your boyfriend or girlfriend finds a naked photo on your phone that a same-sex friend passed along, that could also look very bad for you. People do forward photos. You want to remove those ASAP if you’re in a relationship. Keeping them on your phone or computer, even though they were sent from a buddy, isn’t considered a smart idea.

Save some face

Another way to be safer while sexting is not to send any pictures with your face in the photo. I’ve heard students say it’s a little less likely that someone will be able to identify you in case the picture gets out to others — although, as you know from the cases of celebrities in the public eye, you don’t need to put your face in the picture for it to be able to be traced back to you. You may want to set some ground rules before you engage in such behaviors. Sexting can start arguments because some people promise something through text that they can’t deliver in person. Be careful about what you tell someone you’re willing to do. You could find yourself pressured later to go through with things that may be easier to say than to do.

The bottom line

Don’t feel pressured to engage in any sexual activities that make you feel uncomfortable. You have the right to say no. It’s also inappropriate to send naked pictures of yourself to someone who doesn’t desire to receive them. It’s not a turn-on to receive unsolicited texts or pictures of a sexual nature; it’s usually a turn-off. Don’t just assume someone is willing. Ask the person if they’re okay with it before sending anything sexual. If that person says no, be respectful. It’s also not a turn-on to beg someone for sexual material. “No” means “no.” If you proceed after this point, it’s considered sexual harassment.

As a counselor, I recommend that you educate yourself before engaging in sexting with anyone. It may seem fun, harmless, and safer than having sex, but there are still consequences that can be devastating. Be aware of all the risks before deciding what’s best for you. If you’re over 18, it isn’t illegal to send sexual material over your phone to someone else who’s over 18. You have to decide what you’re comfortable with and be strong about setting clear boundaries with others. If you start something and then feel uncomfortable, stop, and let the other person know. If they won’t stop, find a way to block them from your phone if possible, or report them for harassment.

Be smart and be safe. Safe sex isn’t just about using a condom anymore. Click here for more Sexy & Savvy posts. Share this post by using the buttons below.

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Sexy & Savvy: How to tell someone you have a sexually transmitted disease or infection

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Contributed by Rebecca Smith, M.A., L.C.P.C., C.S.A.T.

Telling someone you have a sexually transmitted disease (STD) or infection (STI) is probably one of the hardest conversations you can have.* It gets even harder when it’s an STI that can’t be cured. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) estimates that even though young people ages 15-24 represent only 25% of the sexually-active population, they acquire nearly half of all newly diagnosed STIs. College students may think they are immune to getting an STI because everyone around them looks healthy, but many college students are facing the horrible facts that they have contracted an STI. Once you find out you have an STI, the conversation to let your partner or future partners know can be devastatingly hard.Guy telling girl he has a sexually transmitted infectionI have met with a few students who have STIs that can’t be cured. Genital human papillomavirus (HPV), Hepatitis B and C, herpes simplex virus 1 and 2 (HSV-1 and HSV-2), and human immunodeficiency virus (HIV) can NOT be cured. That is why STI testing and using condoms every time you have sex is so important. In most cases, HPV and Hepatitis B or C won’t cause any long-term effects. HPV is usually fought off by the body within a couple of years, and it’s typically caught before it can cause cervical cancer in women through a pelvic exam. Only rare cases of Hepatitis cause long-term health effects. Herpes is harder for people to accept because it doesn’t go away, and it can be easily transmitted sexually even when a person isn’t having any symptoms. HIV is obviously more life threatening, and the news is often very unsettling. Having the conversation about STIs with your partner or future partners may feel impossibly hard, but the best way to deal with it is to say something as soon as possible.

If you’re already in a relationship, it can be terrifying to tell the person you love that you may have infected them with an incurable illness. Putting this conversation off will only develop trust issues and put a huge strain on the relationship. Go into the conversation with a calm demeanor and stick to the facts at first. After telling your partner the facts, you can share your own feelings and grief about finding out. Remember that grief has many stages—denial, bargaining, anger, depression and finally acceptance. You may still be struggling with your own acceptance of the STI while you are trying to have this conversation. However, it’s very important not to put it off. Only wait if you are feeling a lot of anger because it may lead to you be very defensive, which won’t be helpful to you or your partner.

If you contracted the STI before you were in the relationship, let your partner know this and take the responsibility. However, sometimes it’s hard to know who gave the STI to whom. Encourage your partner to get tested as soon as possible. Sometimes this will help determine who had the STI first, but it is not always possible to figure out. Do not start to blame each other. Unless one of you has cheated in the relationship, it may not matter who had the STI first.

This conversation is only going to be the first of many if you plan to keep your relationship intact. The psychological and emotional effects are sometimes worse than the physical, so give yourselves time to work through the emotions. It can be hard to accept, but some couples now realize that they can’t reinfect each other and go on to have a healthy sexual relationship. Acceptance is possible with strong communication and trust in place. It’s emotionally hard because it isn’t something people often talk to others about. Some couples may decide not to tell anyone else and only have each other for support.

What if you find out you have an incurable STI and you aren’t in a relationship? In counseling, students work through a lot of self-esteem issues and deal with their guilt. They have to learn to forgive themselves for not protecting themselves in the past. A lot of students state they feel gross and contagious. It’s hard to confidently put yourself out there to meet new people when you feel this way.  I see people who feel so ashamed that they are afraid to start a new relationship. The conversation about their STI with someone new paralyzes them. We work on focusing on other things they have to offer in a relationship.

After a while some people who are tired of being alone may start to date, but break it off if anything remotely becomes sexual. They have often been alone for a long time and have a lot of anxiety about being with someone again. Some students decide to use internet dating sites for people who have STIs to find others who are already infected. This has helped some people find satisfying relationships with someone who would automatically know about their STI. Some students who meet someone they really like ask when they should have this conversation. I encourage them to wait until they know they want to be committed in the relationship and before they enter the sexual realm. I suggest they be upfront and honest and share the risks with their new boyfriend or girlfriend. Facing the possible rejection is excruciating, but a lot of students have reported positive results when having this conversation in a loving, positive relationship. It is a very courageous thing to tell someone about your sexual past, but it’s very important to keep everyone as safe and healthy as possible.

Please be smart about your sex life. If you don’t have any STIs, be thankful and continue to practice safer sex. Get tested to avoid the devastating consequence of spreading an STI to someone else. If you have a STI that is incurable, life isn’t over. Many people with STIs are living happy, healthy lives and many are also in relationships. Click here for more Sexy & Savvy posts.

*While in the past, these illnesses have mostly been referred to as STDs or venereal disease (VD), in recent years the term sexually transmitted infections (STIs) has been preferred, as it has a broader range of meaning; a person may be infected, and may potentially infect others, without showing signs of disease.

Sexy & Savvy: Saying goodbye

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Contributed by Rebecca Smith, M.A., L.C.P.C., C.S.A.T.

The month of May brings about mixed feelings in a lot of college students, especially those in committed relationships. Most students feel a sense of relief and happiness when they’ve completed all their finals, and some feel accomplishment if they’re graduating. However, being done means having to move on, and that can be sad and a bit scary. For couples, sharing space, classes, and experiences brings them together. What happens when those things no longer exist? Some relationships move forward together, but some pull apart. Sometimes, even just being apart for the summer can be scary. Technology now makes it easier to stay in touch, but it’s not the same as seeing each other all the time. This can make the month of May pretty rough for some couples who have to say goodbye.

Couple having a tough conversation

Most of us have a hard time saying goodbye, so some people will start pulling away a few weeks or months earlier to make the actual separation easier. This may end up causing conflict during the time when you really want to cherish with each other. One person in the relationship could have more trouble than the other, and some situations that could arise are: sneaking away rather than confronting the emotions of a formal goodbye; starting a fight; or becoming very needy in the months leading up to the separation.

Sneaking away rather than having an emotional goodbye may seem like a good way to handle things, but it doesn’t allow your partner to express his or her emotions. It also doesn’t allow for any closure. It may be easier on the one who is leaving, but it doesn’t make it easier on the person who is being left without a goodbye.

Some people will cause a fight before they have to say goodbye. They push the other person away believing it will make the separation easier or believing that the relationship is going to end anyway. Rather than risk rejection later, this person will reject their boyfriend or girlfriend first by causing a conflict. While maintaining a relationship long distance isn’t easy, it is possible. This person may end up throwing away a great relationship out of fear.

Some people become really needy in the months or weeks leading up to a separation. They want to spend every waking moment with their boyfriend or girlfriend before they leave. They want to relive a lot of memories by talking about, or doing things, that they’ve done in the past. This can put a lot of pressure on the relationship. Everyone has a lot going on before school ends. It can be hard to balance your relationship with having to study and getting things done before you leave. The added pressure of making too much time for your relationship can cause conflict.

There is no easy way to say goodbye. Do your best, in the weeks leading up to the separation, to have fun and make time for your friends and school as well. When the time comes to say goodbye, remember its okay to be sad. Eventually, you will find things to fill up your time while you’re apart. You will adapt to your new situation. It may also help you appreciate each other more. Cherish your memories and be thankful to Facebook and Skype for keeping you somewhat connected either through the summer or until you can be together again.